EUAFC named best-behaved AU club (Satire)

The University of Exeter Football club has been recognized as the ‘best-behaved’ and ‘most responsible’ sports club at an AU initiation award ceremony last week. The awards ceremony, which was said to have taken place at the Cross Key’s bar on St. Luke’s Campus, recognized EUAFC’s ‘outstanding commitment’ in ‘providing a secure and safe environment for it’s members.’ The club’s social secretary was also individually rewarded for his efforts with the ‘Mother Teresa’ award, the highest level of honour which can be bestowed on an AU club member, second only in comparison with The Tab’s ‘Great British Bolt-off’ award.

The award, which was judged by a panel of experts, was awarded based on three categories: the lengths the club have gone to in order to make first years feel accepted at socials, the level of tolerance shown by the club members towards others in society, and the general behaviour of the club at university events. EUAFC came top in all three categories in what was a comprehensive victory for the club.

When presenting the awards, AU president Andy Hymen was gushing in his praise of the club, ‘their maturity and sense of obligation to their members is without parallel. I only hope more clubs can look to EUAFC for inspiration on how best to prevent the problems associated lad culture.’ When asked what he would define as the key moment that influenced the AU’s decision to give the award to the football club, Hymen responded, ‘I couldn’t possibly say. Their all round behaviour has been impeccable from start to finish, right from Fresher’s week all the way through to the Rugby Varsity. I’m immensely proud of all of them.’

Colin the conger eel, who recently ran for the position of VP Welfare and Diversity in this year’s Sabb elections, was also full of praise for EUAFC and it’s members. ‘They made me feel so welcome whenever I came along to the socials’ he said, ‘there were always loads of members queuing up to talk to me and say hello. Sometimes they even asked if they could kiss me, which I thought was really sweet, even if they did smell a bit of sick at the time…’

The event itself was deemed a huge success by the AU, who reported only a few minor disruptions such as alcohol poisoning, racist abuse and bestiality. One AU club member, who wished to remain anonymous, told Exeposé that this was probably down to the fact that a strict ‘no pigeons allowed’ policy was enforced on the door, preventing any possible disruptions to proceedings.

When approached for comment by Exeposé, members of EUAFC could only respond with chants of ‘Down it Fresher!’, ‘It’s a shoe, it’s a shoe, it’s a shoe’ and ‘Oh Exeposé is full of shit!’ One can only assume they were being ironic.

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